New Jersey Peaches, Texas Cactus

Each morning, I wake up after only four hours of sleep in a pile of books, covered in the ink from my uncapped highlighter, drooling on my laptop, but I am still happier than a Georgia peach because I am a Jersey girl. And being a Jersey girl means that your state legislative bodies respect your rights to womanhood. New Jersey, being the only state in which women could vote until 1807, presently permits 80% easier access than other states to terminate a pregnancy, permits civil unions in case I legally want to follow through on that college lesbian fling…and lately this great state is ensuring I have the right to stay in prime tramp condition for my guido gentleman callers.

This past week the Board of Cosmology and Hairstyling drafted a ban on the Brazilian bikini wax after two women were injured during a procedure. I will give you a moment to wince and wonder how serious one could be wounded armed with only popsicle sticks and hot wax. Whatever the gruesome details, technically the women were actually taking part in prohibited waxing activity, as New Jersey only explicitly permits hair removal on the extremities, face, neck, and abdomen. Still, women clamor to get their precious parts stripped clean, no matter the physical and legal consequences. The Associated Press reported that one Spa in Cherry Hill performed nearly 2000 no holds barred waxes last year. The owner of the spa was afraid of losing such a valuable chunk of business, especially during the present economic climate, and warned, “Many customers would likely travel across state lines to get it and some might even try to wax themselves.” Not only are Jersey girls hairy, we’re apparently crafty, too.

The Division of Consumer Affairs vigilantly considered the thought of the orange-tanned, nubile, and scantily clad girls at Seaside this summer deprived of their rights to a full on wax. The Board of Cosmology had anticipated that the hairiness of bureaucracy would cause them to have to wait until mid-April to go through with the ban, which would be enacted sometime in May. Yet all of that thorough deliberation only took a mere twenty-four hours after the story was released to the press before the New Jersey Division of Consumer Affairs came to a decision.

The Director of the Division, David Szuchman, issued a March 20th press release explaining, “I cannot agree to the complete prohibition in N.J.A.C. 13:28-2.15 (b) (4), banning the removal of hair in the genital area. Many commenters have noted that the procedure can be safely performed. I, therefore, believe that there are alternate means to address any public health issues identified by the board. To that end, I encourage the New Jersey State Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling to begin an immediate review of the training necessary to safely provide this service, and to establish appropriate protocols and safeguards, as N.J.S.A. 45:5B-37 allows.” He asked the Board of Cosmology to reconsider their proposal.

I wonder if the fact that New Jersey’s law making bodies are generally comprised of particularly sleazy lawyers had anything to do with keeping our peaches properly maintained. But perhaps you believe that the response was rather vested in serving public interest…Need further evidence?

A grossly entertaining website, www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com, was brought to public attention last month when two Jersey girls of the down the shore persuasion attempted to sue the author for defamation of character. The ladies were pictured post-clubbing; fawning over a well muscled, jerk in a polo.

“By the early 1990s,” the website explains, “Jersey was teaming with scrotey douchebags polluting hotties. Jersey Douches remain the most obvious of the mockable scumbuckets who continue to molest hotties on a daily basis, and they will always have a home here at HCwDB. But we also explore the secondary and tertiary douche. The tonguebags, the handbags, the cactus heads and yes even the Fratchoads.”

I can see the scene clearly: A group of men in suits and the token pant suited lady lawyer spending eight grueling months examining photographs of busty twenty something girls in their black, low cut tops making that “Woo spring break!” face. After passing around the photos, Dick would elbow Bob and chuckle, “I wonder if she has a Brazilian, heh heh.”

In a hilariously phrased response, the Bergen County Court refused to uphold the suit.

“The Court finds that the text and photographs do not constitute defamatory falsehood of or concerning any of the plaintiffs. Hot Chicks With Douchebags is intended to be satirical humor. While it may in some eyes be vulgar and tasteless, it definitely is not an assertion of fact that anyone would take seriously.”

Read: “Don’t be stupid, girls, you are definitely hotties and don’t let us tell you otherwise. The fact that you are into douchebags is very promising for us. Furthermore, we appreciate any opportunity that permits us to use the word ‘douchebag’ in a professional context. Keep doing what you’re doing Jersey girls, because this is what makes us love our job and state.”

The websites author explained that leaving New Jersey is an essential step in ‘the de-douchification process’, but I’ll take my douchebag and Brazilian, thank you very much. With legislators like this, why would I ever leave? Now if I could only figure out how to effectively remove this highlighter from my duvet…