That Kind of Girl – Anthony Xerri
In My Image
In the journey to adulthood, one of the major challenges facing us is the search for a mate. This job description takes on a multitude of characteristics depending on who defines it. Some of us guys are searching for the woman who will one day bear our children, others for someone with whom we can pass the time until we graduate and go our separate ways, and still others simply want a girl with whom we can share a night. If you’re like me, your goals might vacillate between the afore-mentioned options and many others on a weekly basis.
Regardless of what you are looking for, your search can lead you to meet all sorts of women who fill all types of roles. Today’s focus is on one such type that I’m sure many of you have encountered. You may have found yourself in the familiar position of talking to a girl you were interested in. On this particular night she seemed to be sending you all the right signals. So you find a chance to be alone with her and as your suspicions prove to be correct, things start heating up. One thing leads to another, and in the heat of the moment, as you try to take things to the next level, your trip around the base paths is halted by the “I’m not that kind of girl” routine. For many, these words represent nights filled with temptation, frustration, and masturbation.
But just what “kind of girl” is it that these young women want to prove that they are not, and why? The first thing that comes to mind is that a girl doesn’t want to be labeled a ‘slut’. She doesn’t want her girlfriends to talk about her behind her back (as they’ll probably do anyway) and she doesn’t want other guys coming to her and expecting sex. That seems reasonable—but here’s what I don’t understand. In the course of a “hookup” as kids these days are calling it, why is sex such an impenetrable line? Why does sex make you a slut while all other acts of passion are acceptable? A hookup is going to culminate (if you take my meaning) one way or another, so why shouldn’t it be in a way that both parties will enjoy? I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been puzzled by a girl who says “no sex, but everything else is okay.” Is this merely an attempt to preserve her image, so she can tell her friends in the morning “Of course we didn’t have sex, I’m not that kind of girl.” You can get just as freaky without having sex.
Another reason a girl might withhold sex is that she doesn’t want to give her virginity to just anybody. That is certainly her prerogative, and before I go any further I want to be clear that I’m not trying to say that all girls should put out or anything like that. The choice is up to you. However, I do think that women place an unnecessary importance on virginity. By abstaining from sex you are depriving yourself of one of the greatest and most natural pleasures granted to mankind. If at any point in time two people want to have sex with each other and have not made a commitment to monogamy with someone else, they should do it (pun intended).
I don’t think that the fact that you’ve never had sex before is a reason not to have sex now. In fact, waiting to give it away to a special person can set you up for some serious disappointment and emotional turmoil when you come to realize that “he was just an asshole like everyone else”. Yes, sex can be an amazing experience when shared with someone you really love, but it’s pretty damn enjoyable no matter who your partner is. Gaining a little experience before you meet “The One” isn’t the worst thing in the world.
Up until this point I have aimed my rant specifically at women. Although it is my experience that most men do not place the same significance on virginity, (growing up I couldn’t wait to lose mine!) there are still those who choose to abstain. Many such people will cite religious reasons for remaining virgins until marriage. I know a fair amount of Catholic students here at Rutgers (at least three) who believe that premarital sex goes against God’s will. I’m not going to touch on the subject of God’s existence—at least not today. But I will point out that I have not been able to find a passage in the Bible that specifically forbids premarital sex. There are a few that come very close, (although not in the four gospels) so I will grant that they can be legitimately interpreted as such. However, I’m pretty sure that acts other than simple sexual intercourse would be prohibited by such passages forbidding “fornication” and “sexual relations” outside of marriage. So for those who follow the Bible and draw the line at intercourse, you might want to think about adjusting that line.
Sex is a great thing. It is perhaps the greatest natural pleasure in which man can partake. Do not deprive yourself because of what your friends will think, or because of what you’ve been told the Bible says—just use protection. If religion is your reason for abstaining, do some research on your own. Your findings might surprise you. In my opinion, if God does exist, sex is one of his gifts. It would be cruel of him to give us such means for pleasure and then forbid us for enjoying them. I will leave you now with some words of advice from the late great George Harrison: “Make love all day long. Make love singing songs.”
i don’t think it’s the act of sex itself that is the issue but rather the various differing meanings that girls and boys take away from the act.
while i do believe sex is the perfect way to start out the morning, reinvigorate a lazy afternoon, & cap off the night, would i agree to have sex with anyone simply because it’s the “greatest natural pleasure in which a man-or woman can partake in?
no. i’m going to have to disagree with you here that sex is good no matter who you’re having it with. perfect sex is the culmination of two perfect bodies that for a moment are riding on the same wavelength and indulging in it. to share something like that, for some, is not easy, because sex is still seen as a private act. (it’s still done behind closed doors for a reason)
some girls naturally attempt to use their sexuality as a tool in order to increase their desirability. so if you’re hooking up with a girl and she doesn’t want to seal the deal then she has something to leverage with and is assured that you will contact her again past this one night hook up because she assumes one of your goals as a guy, is to have sex with her. because what could be more damaging to the ego of this type of girl than never hearing a call back from a guy who she just had sex with?
i’m not saying this is what all girls do, and i realize there is some intense generalization here. at the end of the day, people should be allowed to do what they want, whether it is to have sex or not have sex.
some girls need to learn that they are not guaranteed to find a boyfriend by randomly hooking up with guys while they are drunk at a party or a bar-that is why i empathize with your irritation over girls who want to hook up but not go all the way.
i feel as though the only way for boys and girls to avoid such awkward situations is to communicate. while you are deciding if you want to hook up with the person you’re talking to, find out if she’s looking for a relationship or if she’s just looking to have fun. that way the course of the night may run as it will, without you thinking she’s a prude and her thinking you’re just another one of those assholes who is only looking for sex.
Mr. Xerri-
I have the answer to all that ails you, and it’s not what you think. It involves a couple of girls trying to score Viagra at a strip club in Marlboro at 10 am on a Tuesday, filet mignon, and why hot blondes travel mysteriously in pairs.
I will write you a carefully crafted response for the press next week.
Best,
Carley
Just a thought…I think this piece suggests that women themselves put virginity up on a pedestal.
For instance, the line, “However, I do think that women place an unnecessary importance on virginity.” Now I think you touch on something important when you note that Catholics may in particular be subject to this. I’m the token Catholic school girl of my group, and I have to say it’s more an issue of having the whole “you’re going to hell if you even jerk off” ethic drilled into us. And this certainly isn’t endemic to just that religion. Most social orders, particularly patriarchial ones, rely on the emphasis on virginity in order to keep their social structure in tact. Even on a more basis evolutionary level, which I’m sure Miss. Dolch will explore, the idea of passing your seed is crucial to men. Women tend to know that the baby coming out of their bottom is there’s, men, well, they have to rely on certain other indicators.
Long story short, for years, culture has drilled the idea of virginity into girls. It’s kind of like Victorian architecture or other forms of art…the design was made years ago, but it still influences us even though it’s not entirely practical. Nowadays, we have paternity tests and birth control. But for those of us raised in a religious environment, or even just in society in general, are indoctrinated with a double standard since birth. Men who sleep around are sowing their seeds, great for their genes, while “sluts” will drive away the big breadwinner guy. Sure, it’s possible to be a self-sufficient single mother, but there’s still a stigma attached. And this all boils down to a microcosm-level in college social systems. So if a girl is trying to get you to commit to taking care of her (ie, buying her fat sandwiches on the regular) before she let’s you pork her, she may just be being pragmatic, traditional, or even superstitious. Sometimes, it really is just an issue of keeping the dreaded “number” down. I think part of the American Pie franchise dealt with this better than I ever could, so I’ll leave that as recommended viewing to fill in my blanks.
i think the “i’m not that type of girl” line is more used to make sure you’re not that kind of guy that’s only looking for sex. it’s not even necessarily leverage, but waiting and having the boy call back lets a girl know that the guy actually likes her as a person.
there’s also the fact that sex and emotional attachment are sometimes inseparable for a lot of girls. which do you prefer: the i’m not that kind of girl girl or the psycho girl who wont stop calling afterward “cause you her wittle honey bear”?
girls need to stop being crazy bitches. end of story.
Amen to that.
haha sdc, that was gonna be my comment. i like the way you think.
A few things to address:
First of all sdc, I think your last point is certainly your strongest, and while I’m sure there are girls out there that aren’t crazy bitches, I certainly haven’t met them.
In order to make sure that I am not misunderstood, I think sex is infinitely better with someone you love or someone with whom you can at least trade some serious cosmic energy. However, entertaining yourself can be a daunting task and if two individuals are looking to have a good time, my point is they should go for it, no holes barred.
I would say you are one hundred percent correct about communication being essential to make sure everyone’s on the same page. Although there’s no guarantee that such communication will be honest, it would ideally reveal the type of guy that s is talking about. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, it sucks to find out that someone you developed genuine feelings for was only looking for sex.
anthony, if you’re looking for a legitimate address to some of the frustrations over girls, grace hong and i have a compiled a list of grievances we have about them. check it out in the latest issue!
[...] willing females at a party in any given basement in New Brunswick on a Friday night, a phenomenon Anthony Xerri noted in a recent article. But the “uncertainty principle allows particles and energy to briefly come into existence, [...]
why girls don’t go all the way: biology. there is a little talked about hormone oxytocin – nicknamed the “cuddle hormone” which is released by a female during sex. -linking her to that male wether she likes it or not.
if she doesn’t want to feel that certain attachment with you- or be linked with you- she’s not going to sleep with you. and excuses such as, “i’m not that kind of a girl”…are only to see if you’re that kind of guy.
let’s face it: girls want it as much as guys do. but it’s more fun to pick and choose.
ylac, that goes both ways– for males and females. i don’t know if it’s the same exact hormone, but both sexes see a release of chemicals that can make someone feel a certain attachment towards the other person.
let’s not blame this attachment solely on biology. there are clear social constructions that help create the environment that influences people to want to make their decisions in similar ways.
The reason why procreation will die has two words: Womens Rights
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