In My Image

Everyone has a different definition of love. Some people say it means “to like a lot”. Some say you are in love when you would do anything for a person, even die for them. I’ve even heard that love is “the soul’s recognition of its counterpart in another” (I think that’s from Wedding Crashers or something). Whatever your accepted definition of romantic love, it seems to be an emotion that drives people to do all sorts of things—things that someone not under its influence would call “crazy and irrational”, even while those defending it say “it was all worth it for love”. My question is, is it really? Is love all it’s cracked up to be?

As we attempt to meet new people—and date them—we come across several different categorizations. Of course, there are the people who just aren’t worth talking to. Then there are those with whom you get along and could really grow to like. Finally, there are the people you meet and to who you are instantly attracted, who for some unexplained reason stand out above all the others. This is often called “love”. But how can we fall in love with someone we hardly know? And why is it that we could want to pursue someone like this even though we have met several other eligible bachelors or bachelorettes with whom we may even have more in common, and with whom we have had nothing but good times?

Certain people ignite in us a feeling so strong and distinct that it can cause us to be unaltered in our paths towards them. This emotion comes from deep in our subconscious, appealing to thoughts and desires that we may not be aware of. These thoughts and desires have been shaped by our childhood, our upbringing, and many other events in our lives. The result is that love can be as groundless as any other emotion we experience. It is no different than overreacting to a pet peeve or having a deep-seeded phobia, two things that most of us would say we wish we could eliminate from our character. Love is merely the other side of the coin: instead of disliking or fearing something for some subconscious reason, we are strongly attracted to something for perhaps the same reason. But if love is born out of the same muck, why is it so much more highly regarded?

Most people would argue that love is a positive thing. It can make you feel good, and make you more likely to do good. I cannot disagree with this. However there are downsides that people often leave out when they tell their fairytale stories. The first is the most obvious one, unrequited love. That sucks. The fact that you can love someone who does not love you back serves to discount the definition given earlier about the soul’s recognition of its counterpart; unless one of your souls is wrong, this definition can’t be right.

Another negative is that people often fall for the “wrong guy/girl.” This strong subconscious attraction which we call love (this is a pretty good definition, by the way) can cause people to stay in relationships that are unhealthy, to be devoted to people who repeatedly treat them like shit, or to settle for someone who is really not all that special. People in love are often convinced that their partner is the only one for them. If you think about this rationally (something that love often prohibits us from doing), you’ll see that it is an absurd idea. With the number of people in this world and the amount of variance in personality traits, belief systems, and hygienic standards, the possibility of you being with the person with whom you are most compatible and will make you the most happy is virtually non-existent. The truth is that there is almost always going to be someone out there who is a better fit for you, who will annoy you less, and who will clean up after themselves a little better. Love has a funny way of blinding us to these negative traits until twenty years down the road when the magic of a young romance is gone. It’s hard to think that far ahead.

The reasons that will lead you to fall in love with a person are mostly out of your control. Until you can wade through the psychological bullshit you carry with you every day you are likely to continue to fall for the same type of person. For some people it’s blondes, for some it’s the dangerous type, for some it’s the one who plays hard to get, and for others its girls that remind them of their mothers. If you notice a trend in the type of person you find yourself inexplicably drawn to, I would challenge you to say that there is not some subconscious desire in you which they fulfill.

And so now, at the age of 21, I must admit that I am losing faith in monogamous relationships. This is not to say that I am opposed to the idea of spending the rest of my life with the same person, or even scared by the prospect of only having sex with one woman. But at this point in my life, it seems at least that rushing into a monogamous relationship is a waste of time. Even if your goal is to find a future spouse, immersing yourself in the world of one person is not a good strategy. Suppose that you date a woman (monogamously) for a year or two, during which time you are not trying to meet other people. Then, for whatever reason, the relationship ends. Now you find that you are alone, do not know any single women, and are no longer in college, and thus will have to actively try to meet people. From my perspective, it seems much more sound to meet as many people as possible, keeping close to those who you enjoy and could imagine a future with. If after dating for a while there is someone you’ve gotten to know that you want to have an exclusive relationship then go for it. Having gotten acquainted to this person while still being exposed to the rest of the dating pool, you are able to get a sense of the qualities he or she possesses and compare them to others who may have qualities that are more or less favorable. This is a much more efficient selection process than trying to force a relationship with the first person who’s willing to have sex with you.

I realize that my tone may come off as being rather pessimistic. I guess this whole commentary was spurred by my sister having dated her first boyfriend for way to long. But it is also born of my own experiences, as any attempt at psychological theorization inevitably will be. I urge everyone to think about the reasons they find themselves drawn to their romantic interests, past or present. If nothing else, it can help you avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. Also, you should think about the reason you are in or are seeking a relationship. Is it because you assume, as I once did, that a wife and children are simply inevitable parts of life? Is it because you are afraid of being alone, something Shikha Dutta cites in All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies, as something not to be confused with love? I agree that these are not good reasons to pursue a relationship. But I will point out to Shikha that, in my opinion, fear of being alone is a component that often leads to the subconscious attraction I have described, that we so warmly called love. I’m not one to say what is right or wrong, but I don’t think anyone wants to be tricked into thinking that they’ve found their soul mate, or that they will never love anybody the way they loved their ex… If you can get past the feelings (strong as they may be) of love at first sight, you may just find someone with whom you would enjoy spending the rest of your life. Happy Hunting.