“Bitches Can’t Hang with the Streets”

by Sayani Das Chaudhuri and Grace Hong

We, the female editors of the Johnsonville Press, wanted to personally take the time to reiterate some of the most fatal and common flaws plaguing females in our age group. Of course it is not to say that these are true for every one of us, but here is a simple list of nine things you should avoid for the ease and peace of mind of everyone else that has to deal with your little heinie.

1- Don’t wear make up to the gym.

It’s okay to get sweaty and be unpolished. Looking good is important; obviously you’re already taking the first steps towards self improvement—you’re AT the gym. If you’re there for any other reason than better health, maybe you should just dance away those calories at your favorite club instead of coming in looking like a fool and completely out of place in a gym. All the other girls there hate you. They know you’re fake.

2- Don’t blame everything on your period.

It’s true, getting your period can be a bitch and a half. Cramps, bloating, “mood swings,” – it’s not necessarily a pretty sight. However, we, as human beings, as females, are capable of functioning 100% normally during this time of the month, or any other time of the month, really. We’re not completely at the whim of our biological states, we have control over our actions and our emotions and our words. Unless you’ve actually been diagnosed with some serious PMDD, using your period as an excuse to be a bitch or get what you want is completely unforgivable. By allowing men to build up this stereotypical image of a scary, illogical time of the month for all women, you’re doing yourself and all other females a disservice. Yes, you.

3- Don’t wear unreasonable shoes/clothing.

Just because Victoria Beckham can get away with walking around in eight inch heels like it’s nobody’s business doesn’t mean that you should be held to that same standard. I mean, for goodness sakes, she earned a good deal of her money being a Spice Girl! It’s true that wearing a nice pair of heels can accentuate your calf muscles and elongate your legs, and every once in a while, even the most modest of girls want to show off some of their better ASSets, but really, there is a time and place for all of this. Going on a dinner date and movie wearing a nice pair of pumps and that low-cut cami is fairly acceptable. But going to the city for a long night of drinking and walking through cobblestone streets in 30 degree weather does not constitute the circumstance most appropriate for this kind of attire. If you really want to look your best in all situations–and you can do so without spraining your ankle or complaining the entire time–then by all means, keep at it, girl. But for the rest of us, bring a pair of flip-flops for that long walk back to the train station and maybe even a sweater so you don’t have to ask other people to remove their own clothing for your comfort.

4- Don’t drunk anything (especially FACEBOOK).

They say that alcohol gives you courage and lessens your inhibitions, but this is no time for loose fingers to be walking across the keyboard or your cell. Especially not in the direction of your ex. He does not care that you are drunk at some party and are really horny, nor does he care that “so and so” wrote on your wall because you think he might have nothing better to do at 4 in the morning. I mean, maybe he does, but you’re no longer together, and your need for attention will go unrequited. It is inappropriate and foolish to think that this is the best way to get things off your chest – it usually only leads to remorse or guilt. So save all of us current girlfriends and ex-boyfriends some grief by thinking ahead just a little and AVOID DRUNK TYPING/CALLING/MESSAGING.

5- Stop saying your “fat” or “ugly” just to get some positive feedback.

There is nothing more attractive than a confident person. Period. Feeling good about yourself is something that shows through in everything that you do, including your physical appearance. And when you let your insecurities show by putting yourself down in front of others, not only do they become aware of your personal self-esteem issues, you simply become less attractive in the eyes of both men and women. And if you really ever want to have a good, supportive female friend, you won’t ever make one by constantly putting yourself down. No one wants to be BFF’s with a girl who can’t even love herself. Fishing for compliments would simply be unnecessary if you just felt secure with who you are, physically and otherwise. So stop pointing out the negatives and just do you.

6- Eat like no one’s watching.

Why do guys love Tina Fey so much? Because her character, Liz Lemon from the TV show 30 Rock is not afraid to visit the hot dog stand on a regular basis, or eat 3 donuts for breakfast (yum) without shame. Denying food is not a heroic act of discipline, and with the general attitude of rivalry between girls, it’s natural for eating to also become a competition, but not in a good way. While it’s great to eat light every now and then, it’s notokay to deny yourself everything because you’re afraid of the judgment of other girls or because you’re with a guy. It’s absolutely okay to indulge in chicken fingers or a slice of pizza, especially when everyone else is clearly with you at that eatery to do the same.

7- Don’t beat around the bush (don’t play games).

You wonder why you have failed in yet another relationship? Maybe, maybe, it’s time to try some different tactics- – none. While a cat and mouse game can be a titillating experience, life is so much easier when you’re straightforward with your desires. Not only are you being dishonest with yourself by pretending to be cutesier than you are, or more helpless (”oh, this bookbag is SO heavy, will you carry this for mee?” ::bats eyelashes::) than in reality, these games that we play with others builds a layer of deception and lies that generally become the basis of disillusionment in the future. If you want someone to like you, or if you like someone, then why wouldn’t you want him/her to like you for who you actually are? You don’t have to pretend or try harder. Again, it’s a matter of presenting a confident self that is completely comfortable with her own skin. You can do this and find love, seriously.

8- Don’t ditch your friends the second you have a boyfriend.

Butterflies and kisses are totes awesome. With each new romance, not only do you get a lover, you get a whole new best friend. But that doesn’t mean you now no longer have the time for the friends that had to listen to you whine and complain while you were single. They were there for you then, and they’re probably willing to be there for you now, and still need YOU to be there for them. Friends are the ones that will be there for you during the hard times with your boyfriend anyway, so if you push them aside, what reason would they have to come back to you whenever you get sick of your BF’s antics? After all, “I get by with a little help of my friends (I get high with a little help of my friends).”

9- Stop fawning over love and boys like it’s the only thing that will complete your life.

Honestly, one of the biggest problems that we have with female empowerment is this dual reality/expectation of females being at once both capable and independent, as well as dependent and incomplete without a male counterpart. For some reason, many girls feel as though “something is missing” or that life just isn’t as sweet and beautiful when they are single. For some reason, instead of considering the many talents and skills that they could hone and improve to better their quality of life, they are frozen and sad, sinking into deep holes of despair (“when will someone really love me (again)?”, “how can I ever get over those kisses?”) because they can’t find meaning in their lives if there isn’t some boy to share it with. Don’t you think this defeats the whole purpose of female empowerment – when 90% of time is spent dwelling on this boy or that boy? Who are we trying to convince that we are women who roar and fight, if most of us demand to be loved in order to feel complete? Take some time to reconsider what it means to retain your own identity, and to truly love yourself, with or without someone else to love you back for just for that self affirmation. Don’t get us wrong, boys are fantastic, but how often have they led to catty fights and issues between women that only make us seem even weaker in the eyes of the rest of world? It’s time to get over it, as a favor to our gender/sex, but most of all, as a favor to humanity.

Bonus #10. Just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you have to dress like a skank (hoe).

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